Clean Heart - 3 - One Step Forward

"I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely..." Hosea 14:4

The Lord promises to heal my backslidings, my mistakes, and my struggles. On top of that, He promises to love me freely.

This couldn't have come at a better time. I have been struggling with many issues. I often feel like a failure. I just am not really good at any one thing, it seems.

Today, my eggs didn't have that perfect look. I made stuffed eggs for the pot-luck at church, and even piped the yolks into the whites to give them a bit of flair. They just didn't turn out the way I imagined. They were NOT perfect.

The drive to church was stressful. Poor visibility. I couldn't find a kleenex for my drippy nose. Then Rick snapped at me when I suggested that he wipe the steering wheel with the anti-bacterial wipe. (He hates being distracted when he is driving. I know this. I shouldn't have done it.) So I snapped back at him, then felt bad about it. I wasn't the perfect wife.

My soup turned out fine, but Darlene's bread was amazing. How does she make wheat-free bread with such a good texture? And to top it all off, it tasted good. I have not baked much since going on a gluten-free diet. I feel like a failure in that area, too.

The list goes on, but I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say, I had a blue day. I was reminded again and again of my sinful nature. Ugh.

Then, I came home and read this devotional.

The prayer is, "Lord, I pray that You will pull me ahead and help me to remain focused on You so that I will not continue to backslide further and further. Bring me to where I need to be so I no longer struggle daily from my past faults and inadequacies. Restore me at last! Let me feel the love that You give freely. Help me remember I am special and loved, even when I don't feel lovable."

The amazing thing is that God knew that I would need to hear this today. He knew that Pastor Bob and his wife would need to hear the story of Adoniram Judson today, too. In spite of my sin, God used this weak vessel to encourage our dear friends. In spite of my inadequacies, I am loved and valued by friends and family.

So, get thee behind me, Satan. Stop trying to pull me into the depths of despair. I know the truth about myself, but I also know that the Blood of my Saviour covers a multitude of (MY) sins.

You can't separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.

And while the lamp holds out to burn,
The vilest sinner may return. ~Isaac Watts

Thank you, Lord, for holding the lamp of your Word out, so that I may return.

Live while you live, the epicure would say,
And seize the pleasures of the present day;
Live while you live, the sacred preacher cries,
And give to God each moment as it flies.

Lord in my views, let both united be:
I live in pleasure when I live to thee.

~Philip Doddridge

Thank you, Lord, for showing me anew,
That life is worth the living when done unto YOU.

Clean Heart - 2 - My Confusion or God's Peace?

"For God is not the author of confusion but of peace..." 1 Corinthians 14:33

I dug up my tattered and torn ancient Webster's dictionary.

confuse - from "pour together". To bring to ruin or naught. To perplex, disconcert. Synonyms: discompose, fluster, upset, disarrange.

author - originator, creator, maker

peace - tranquility, quiet. No disturbance or war. Harmony. Freedom from fears, agitating passions, moral conflict.

I have been confused, often. I know what it is to feel agitated, disconcerted, flustered and upset. Not nice at all.

But God is not the originator of confusion. It comes from he who is NOT-God --> Satan, the enemy. It is that snake who likes to see our homes filled with discord and conflict, fear and perplexity. He wants to ruin us and bring us to naught.

But God. God is the One who thought up peace. And He is the One who wants to see our homes become places of harmony and tranquility.

There are a few reasons for the confusion I experience:

1. I live with a bunch of sinners.
2. I am not disciplined enough to stick to the routine.
3. I fail to require my children to stick to the routine.
4. We are still climbing through a mountain of paperwork from the renovations.

Lack of order always destroys peace and creates confusion. To be an image-bearer, I must have a plan, goals, and order.

We do have a routine that would guarantee that the house remains in tip-top shape. On paper, that is. It's the discipline to stick to the plan that is required to make our lives more harmonious.

The good news is that we are 80% there. We have made many changes in order to have a place for everything and everything in its place. The laundry room was renovated, as was the downstairs bathroom. The children's bedrooms are getting there. My bedroom is orderly...I can even walk into my walk-in closet! Rick has socks in his drawer.

Goals for this week:

1. Maintain the routines. Make sure that what is on paper is carried out.
2. Sort all of the papers on the two tables.
3. SEEK GOD

Oh, Father, You are not the Author of confusion, but of peace. You have blessed us so much. We have all the resources we need to live in harmony before the face of God. There is no reason for confusion when we are Your children, walking with You. But we forget, and try to run ahead of you. We take our hands out of Your hand, thinking we know the way. We forget that we are weak and helpless, and that we need Your guidance.

Walk with me this week, Lord. Give me grace and wisdom to accomplish those goals. Thank You that You have answered my heart's desire for peace and order in our home. You have blessed us beyond imagination and given us what we do not deserve. We are forever grateful.

Clean Heart Journal - 1. Trustin' Him

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Prov. 3:5

I meditated on this verse. It's interesting that this is my "life's verse", picked out when I was newly saved as a 23 year old young mother and wife. Most of the time, I do trust the Lord and acknowledge Him. When I don't understand why things are the way they are, I have learned to lean on Him, knowing that He understands it all.

Lord, I do put my trust in You! I can't say I always trust You with all my heart, for I find myself sometimes holding back. What if You were to take more of what I love away from me? What if You decide to take something really big? Not my mother's car. Not the horses... but one of my children? My husband?

We all suffer losses, and we Christians know that God is the One who gives and takes away, for His good purposes. But it isn't always easy to accept it.

I still find myself going to the window to look to see if the horses are okay. I catch myself before I remind the children during supper dishes - "did you feed the horses?" I watch Linda, still missing them, and Elena, sad when she comes in from feeding the geese and the ducks, and I still grieve. Yet I know that my Lord God is steadfast, unmovable, faithful, and true.

Lord, you ARE good. I know that. So, forgive me when I am weak, when I decide to withhold a little of my trust back from You. It's foolish of me to even try to do that.

It is like a toddler, not getting what she wants, stamping her little foot and refusing to give her Mama a kiss because she didn't get her way. Foolish little girl. Doesn't she know that what is withheld from her, or taken away from her, would harm her?

Lord, I am like that foolish little child. When will I learn that You really do know best? I acknowledge that EVERYTHING I have, absolutely everything, is from You. The computer I am using is Yours. The children I cherish are Yours. My citizenship, my home, my husband...all gifts from Your Hand.

You promised to direct my path, to open up the way before me. I know you do this-- you have done so all of my life. You take me down the tangled paths with thorns and thistles on every side...and you open the way before me. You show me the straight, uncluttered path.

Lord, I thank You, and I do trust You. I acknowledge that You know it all, and that You do all things right. I wait on You to show me the way.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.